What I find hard to believe right now, sitting in the special treat of sunshine that you get on a mild October day, is that ending my life could at times be my only rational and powerful option. It seems like distorted thinking, like a madness, a malady of mind, but it did not seem like that at the time. I do not regret this journey, and I do not forget how I came to this point in time.Now is many years beyond what I could have had.
I am good at this front. I am not expected to be frail, and so my frailty is there in plain sight and unseen. I have no handle to hold on to, and there is no referral or follow up to make or avoid. I am capable. I am a white middle-class heterosexual male, middle aged, parent of heathy children paying my taxes, climbing a work ladder and, apparently a great example of dominant supremacy in society if all of the protests that I have supported over the years are anything to go by. If I told you I was going to kill myself you would find me competent, and there would be no grounds to deprive me of my liberty, despite my catastrophic intent. My inquest like so many others would record that even with the benefit of hindsight, there would have been little that anyone could have done.
But here I am. Proof that someone could do something to change my choices.
What I would like to do is to find the words to describe my self management, and to explore how the lessons that I have learnt may be of help for others who might die at their own rational hands and who currently receive no contact that might help them as I have been helped. What I will shy away from is explaining how the list above of my unworthiness for special concern has shaped my self image, because although it may be pertinent to my particular case and perhaps resonate with others, it would spark another discussion taking me away from the central point of this blog. Suffice it to say, that many of the things that MH professionals might assure themselves as being protective factors, are for me, and for I suspect many others, the complete opposite.
I am not the same as everyone who reports or conceals, suicidal thoughts. I do not claim to be. However, I do believe that I have seen my same thinking in several of the people and many of the case histories that I have encountered, in my personal life, and in my professional life of 38 years mental health work. This is not a research paper, it is a personal blog that welcomes debate in comments if you wish.
The punch-line is the zero sum game.
I compete. It is my nature. Maybe some will say that they recognise that I am competitive, and maybe they are right. If there is a scale of competitiveness, then I am certainly on it rather than at either of the poles. It is my belief that by the common nature of living things there is a level at which all living things compete, and on the Natural Scale my species (and yours) is way towards the top as an apex predator. In this respect, with or without my personality, I am, at a species level, a competitor.
Every living thing competes for resources in a Darwinian way. Humans have taken this still further with complex competition at a social and economic level that blurs the fundamental basics of this competition. It is there though, hardwired into our life-force. The added social layer does not change my essential nature, but what it does do is add multiple and complex additional elements that I behave naturally towards (competitively) even though many of these elements are not of an essential life or death nature. Embarrassment, humiliation, unemployment, loss of friendship or contact with a loved one for example can be excruciatingly emotionally painful, but would not in a natural sense threaten my physical existence.
There are times in our lives when these two worlds (natural and social) collide, the birth or death of a loved one, the realistic impression of being in mortal danger for example, and at these times I am aware of my essential nature being engaged. I remember my first completely unconscious action on the birth of my daughter was to put her to my nose and mouth – I breathed her in. I remember the rage and frustration that I felt with the social/legal dynamic I found myself in when she was withheld from me years later. On both occasions I was not functioning at a social level. Her birth was a matter of natural fact, as was our good fortune in her existence. The same was not true (as it turns out) in the social/legal factors that followed years later, although it felt the same at the time and, on reflection, it engaged the same essential nature of mine.
What I find impossible to deal with, is a zero sum game. Like the point at which every child finds noughts and crosses a pointless exercise, is when they realise that their only chance of victory is a mistake by the opposition. There are times in my life where I have sincerely and reasonably believed that there would be no prospect of even an error in my favour, and on those occasions I review the only rational win to a zero sum game, which is the chose when to leave it.
There is some endorsement in some cultures for this view. I am sure some learned person can correct me on this factually, but from my stance, self euthanasia, or assisted suicide is a rational example of this equation. Some states support this, and permit it with caveat’s and protections, others do not, but the differences we have in law and culture at this visceral level of being do not take precedence for the person whose thoughts and volition are at the centre of the equation. In other words, I believe that despite different cultural resolutions to the equations the human motivation is the same. Other examples might be a situation where a child’s live birth would certainly result in an immediate and possible painful death, so the decision to abort is rational – whatever the moral or religious commentary on that might be.
And yet, here I am. I am here, not because I tried and failed, and not because I was prevented. I am here because I discovered my own user error in my calculations. No one gave me a reason to live. I was able to change my perspective.
This is not a one time deal, but neither is knowing how to achieve this. The more I have practiced, the earlier I can spot the signs, and the easier the adjustments to my perspective get. I have to acknowledge that discussing and discovering this with my partner, who is more objectively skilled than I am to spot the behaviours (my thoughts are my own) and the trust that I have in her judgement, are huge assets. I did not need sympathy or allegiance I needed a critical friend, and I was blessed to have stumbled upon one.
I wanted to put a list together, but the issue with that is that it appears to suggest an order or priority, and I can not agree with myself on what that might be. I am also aware that some, if not all of the elements can be, and perhaps need to be cyclical and simultaneous from time to time. So no check lists here, and that suggests the first thing to write about.
Checklists and risk assessments. – Bollocks
A bit harsh. I can see the value in training helpers to understand risk, and a value the research of the Centre for Suicide Studies. Plan your strategies from statistical research, but consider me personally as the only example of me.
I can see that a checklist can help a clinician to double check that they have covered things. But, in practice, these potential tools are not used as the scientists might wish. There is a fault with the definitions. The statistics can not be predictive at the level of the individual, so should not be used as if they were. There is also a major issue – surprising to the public who have great faith in Health Services, that staff do not understand key pieces of legislation as well as they should, and rely instead on policies that are no doubt well informed by the careful committee of authors, but which are not applied in an informed way at the front line.
Suicide, much in the same way as “Psychopathy”, is not a clinical term, it is a legal term. In the case of Suicide it is an adjudication of a Court following a death. It would be more helpful to me if we could change the language, while the person is alive, and agree on what the issue for them really is. Suicide, is a legal and for many also a moral judgement. What is that we are talking about clinically and socially?
Perhaps suicidal ideation will be several things, variants of self-harm and self esteem the classification of which might help untangle the mess of our statistics and suggest optimum approaches depending on the nature of the situation that the person is in.
Putting each of these excusable faults in series, the individual who presents for a service is really subject to blind luck that the person they meet has any idea about how to best help them. This luck is greatly enhanced of course by the core values and patient centric views of the professional. However this can leave the professional risking sanction if the blurred lines of what “should” happen get re-interpreted by an inquiry following an untoward outcome that benefits from hindsight. The best way that the professional can manage that risk, is to fill in the forms, and follow the process suggested by the policy, which in turn can lead to “The patient had capacity………….. “
Risk, is a probability calculation of the likely coincidence of causal events.
Since you have no certainty at all about the causal events of my suicide, and the dodgy statistics can only at best suggest my place on a scale of a demographic (and critically post-mortem) then you can not possibly best my own prediction of what my behaviour is likely to be. So, probably best to go with my own assessment, ie, if I tell you that I want to die, then please understand that to dismiss this as attention seeking, or a cry for help is both deeply ironic and a cruel messages to give someone who is vulnerable. It would be better, more often than not, to believe me. Believe that I feel like the best thing for me to do is to leave the game. Believe that I am opting to tell you in the feint hope that you can help me see an alternative. BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE AN ALTERNATIVE.
I have witnessed many sincere clinicians work through a static risk assessment form with a person who is in despair, and I know that they are achieving only two things. Firstly to cover the risk to the Health Board or team to demonstrate that due care was taken, and secondly they are alienating the person by profoundly demonstrating that there is no help for them to be found here.
I have not told you yet – perhaps I have not worked out yet, why my children, their existence and my role is the epicentre of my zero sum game. But if they are mentioned in assessment you put that simple demographic down in the column headed protective factors.
Human life is in fact pretty fragile, its easy to die – natural in fact. The fact that I have not made, or disclosed a plan to you is neither here, nor there – but your preoccupation with this is still further evidence that you simply are unable to help. Yes, I have tickets for the next Home Nations Game, and I can talk about future events ……….. So? Yes, I would rather not die. Yes, I told my GP that I had trouble concentrating, I have poor sleep and that I am agitated so he put me on a pill (that can often have these very same features as a side effect) but it is not your belief in my illness that will end my life. It is my direct action or deliberate inaction that will make it suicide. Your hoops and classicications serve you, not me.
Do you think that you could look up from your form for a moment, listen to me, be with me, and validate my sovereignty over my own existence?
My blood still boils after my retirement, for the shallowness of the systems that see so many of the “frequent flyers” of A&E departments as attention seekers, without any consideration of the human experience of the process itself.
Some times, during an evening of drinking to abandonment, taking an overdose, challenging authority in some way or simply turning up to A&E in despair, I might have chanced into a police officer, hospital porter, nurse, or fellow patient in the waiting room that simply bears witness to my distress and keeps me company, and that moment in itself is worth the trauma I have to go through to get it, and the abuse I experience in the way that it is resolved and dismissed. I don’t want the “help” that you are going to deny me anyway, but I keep coming back for the coincidental kindness that throwing myself under that bus (literally or figuratively) might bring.
Bless the Samaritans. We will never know how many lives they save, but their non-judgmental witnessing of a caller’s words or just silent connection, is a powerful tool in this dynamic. I know that many of the patients that I encouraged to call the Samaritans felt like I was fobbing them off and denying them the “fix” that I am saving for more deserving cases. Perhaps this is the consequence of the medical arrogance shown in Mental Health services that colludes with whilst actively denying a medical model for mental health, put alongside the human frailty of wanting someone to take the pain away, and the implicit “madness” (evidenced by a GP’s prescription) of my intent.
Who says that suicide is a Health Matter?
Suicide is not an illness, and whilst it is often associated with depression, it is not helpful to see it as a symptom. The language and crucially the expectations of health in the area is not helpful. The science, care, kindness and concern of the Health professionals is of course helpful, but the same could be said of police officers, strangers, housing support workers, Samaritans, Men’s Sheds and many others.
If suicide is a mental health matter, then Primary Care, and the public falsely hope that Mental Heal Services will provide management and a cure. Suicide is a Community, Family and Individual Wellbeing matter, as evidenced by the number of completed suicides each year where no health intervention was considered, and the multiple case examples where despite presenting in need to out of hours services of one sort or another, no health intervention was considered viable, and the person goes on to complete suicide.
Show me a win, and use whatever lens it takes to do so.
Accept that I am sincere and that I am reluctant but convinced. For many men like me, the tipping point was contact with my children. Not the simple absence or denial of it, but the futility of it. I was caught in a dynamic that presented me with no way to be the parent that I felt I ought to be or that I wanted to be, and I was powerless to do anything about it. I tried, of course (and anyone who knows me will remember my rage and my activism) but every effort simply reinforced the self-fulfilling barriers to my ambition. Every letter (and there were hundreds from CSA, Solicitors, Courts, campaigns etc etc), every car journey over the 260 miles of physical separation followed by the 260 miles back , every news story, every spare moment, and every penny was spent, apparently making things worse.
At a point where I realised the pointlessness of my real situation I was sure that all I could do was to leave the field entirely. It was the only expression that could not be denied me. Two comments broke through to challenge my perspective. The first was my new partner’s assertion that although she always wanted to be a mother, she recognised that the gift of parenthood was for ever, and that despite the concept of parenthood being largely directed towards children, she will be a parent for life, and that barring her death, she will be a mother for as long as her children live, and hopefully decades into their adulthood. Children, grow up quickly into adults, and if we are lucky they stay that way. She will always be their mother, just as I will forever be my children’s father.
If the game is “unwinable” play on another pitch.
What father do I want them to find? I had new choices to make that were within my own influence. If I died, I will have deprived them of a father to come and find, and crucially, I will have left the narrative of my absence to others with other motivations and needs, that I knew were different to mine. So who did I want my adult children to find? Someone who was intact, committed to them, honest and reliable, constant and true. The few years that they had under the supervision of another (and sometimes untruthful) world view, was not the point, so it mattered not so much.
– Whohooooo – there you go, a protective factor some might cry. – But the protection is the perspective shift, not the simple existence of my children. This is also subtly different to someone beating me with the guilt that I have often heard offered to people in similar situations – think of your children, your parents, your friends (whatever) and the sadness/grief/anger/etc they will feel. That sort of comment simply made me feel worse. The change was one of perspective, based on my facts not some global statistical or sagely patronage, I was simply empowered to think about things differently.
I know that I am struggling to express this distinction, and it reminds me of a time in clinical practice where I had a similar struggle. A colleague knocked on my office door to check on me, and a “patient” as we were both kneeling on the floor of my office with our noses to the carpet and she was concerned (colleagues are like that in a medium secure forensic psychiatric hospital). The fella I was with sat up and challenged my colleague to tell us what colour the carpet was, and it was green. Obviously unequivocally Green. Ah yes, he said, but from right down here you can see the weave is made up of a whole range of colours. This fellow and I found a new language of zooming in or out from apparently stuck situations to try and discover the true nature of the weave, and he found that he could apply this principle to many everyday and life course issues, bring new and otherwise over-looked options for him.
Dear helpers, bring a selection of lenses, but they are not for you to look through, or to speculated in the Multi-disciplinary team with. Help me to look through them, and believe that I know what to look at.
I met an old friend, and we fell to talking about the time that we spent learning Karate together. Our teacher was an elderly gent of extraordinary character and ability. The only time either of us ever landed a strike on him (all the way up to Brown Belt) was so that he could demonstrate the counter attack. He was a little fella, slightly arthritic, but made of steel, with the apparent ability to move unseen. His greatest, and most enduring lesson however came to me in the pub. He was a dower northerner, who worked in the bus depot doing MOTs in the Hull bus depot, and as we drank, he told us a tale of a completely hopeless work based situation, the detail of which I forget. Having outlined the information, he sat back in his seat, and we both said But what are you going to do? ….. and he lent forward and said. I am going to have another sip (of his pint). Deliberately (I think) or otherwise he gave me a powerful lesson, of zooming in sometimes, one moment, one breath, one sip at a time, and the powerful factors that appear to threaten in the distance might well take on another form when they get closer to you.
Jack Thurlow was his name, and he also told another tale about a Third Dan Black Belt master of several martial arts disciplines that he had learnt under himself. One day this teacher had addressed an audience keen to learn from him and he had asked for questions. Someone asked the rather obvious question of what he would do if he was confronted in the street by two men armed with knives. Hoping, I guess for some preferred combat style, or even a demonstration. But the answer was simple. “I would be in another street” was his reply.
Help me to be in another street, or at least help me to understand that I could be, by my own volition.
I do not have THE answer. I have some answers that help me, and a sincere wish that services struggling with people’s suicidal ideation would attempt to be in another street, when they come to consider how best to address the issues that we face when thinking about Suicide.